my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
