Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
