Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
