You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
