Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
