i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
