Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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