so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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