Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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