I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
