yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
