you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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