Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
