remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.