walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
