I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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