I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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