I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
