I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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