In America we eat man semen.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
