I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
