I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
