I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize