My room smells like vodka and shame
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
