2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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