i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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