Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
