I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
