apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
time to smoke my breakfast
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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