I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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