I hate all girls vehemently.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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