The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
