You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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