Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
