I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
