I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
