I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
