The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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