She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
