garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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