I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
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Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
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Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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