My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
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omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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