Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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