Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
