Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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