it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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