bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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