I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
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the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize