you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
