Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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