I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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