I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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