you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
