well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
