I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
