wat bout pragnant strippers??
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
