is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Operation Purity has been aborted
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
