I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
