I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
